"The Ten Christmas Songs of Steve Pulaski:" Song #1: Denis Leary - "Merry Fuckin' Christmas"

"The Ten Christmas Songs of Steve Pulaski"

Song #1: Denis Leary - "Merry Fuckin' Christmas" (2004)

Merry F#%$in' Christmas

"All the kids go to bed each night to dream what Santa brings 'em; unless they're Jewish, or Muslim, or some other jip religion."

We end "The Ten Christmas Songs of Steve Pulaski" with the blog series' most cynical endeavor, which just so happens to be my all time favorite Christmas song: "Merry Fuckin' Christmas" by Denis Leary. The title is so blunt and straight-forward that just seeing it begs you to listen to it, and when one makes the wise decision, they are greeted with a hardened, brutally-honest reiteration of Christmas conventions, everything from the weather being "so cold you could catch your death" and the onslaught of "crappy Toys flying off the shelves."

Leary, who saw his song "Asshole" appear on "The One-Hundred Songs of Steve Pulaski" blog series this past summer, is zealous in his critiques and observations of the holiday season, providing for some of the funniest lyricism this side of Christmas carols. He's vulgar and unapologetically honest with his lyrics, and being older and less interested in Christmas (now that I have a job, I usually wind up working the entire week), this song is perfect to listen to on the drive to work on Christmas Eve (I'll probably have it turned up all the way when I'm going to work today).

"Merry Fuckin' Christmas" is miserable, but its observations have an honesty to them, critiquing the materialism of Christmas and the hilarious depictions of a Santa with bourbon breath or midgets donning their elf apparel. With Leary's great lyricism and the song having an addicting beat, I'm proud to call this my favorite Christmas song; it's also best served with a viewing of Bad Santa to complete one's cynical Christmas.

Give "Merry Fuckin' Christmas" a listen, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z44ZPjYpcv4

"The Ten Christmas Songs of Steve Pulaski:" Song #2: Toby Keith - "Little Drummer Boy"

"The Ten Christmas Songs of Steve Pulaski"

Song #2: Toby Keith - "Little Drummer Boy" (2007)

A Classic Christmas

"I have no gift to bring, pa, rum, pa, pum, pum. That's fit to give a king, pa, rum, pa, pum pum. Rum, pa, pum, pum."

Every time I have tried to tell friends, family, or acquaintances that one of the best renditions of "Little Drummer Boy" I have ever heard comes from country artist Toby Keith, I'm met with rolling eyes or casual dismissal, even if I try to keep the straightest face. While I realize country is one of the most divisive musical genres alongside hip-hop, and Toby Keith is a "love him or hate him" kind of artist, his version of "Little Drummer Boy" remains my favorite. For one, Keith's trademark deep, baritone voice allows the song to be sung in a terrifically affecting way, and one that makes for an inanely catchy and infectious rhythm all the more. Keith also utilizes his instrumentation options in a perfect manner, allowing them to be explosive at the right times and regressive at others, making each "rum, pa, pum, pum" all the more intoxicating. 

Before you give yourself a headache from all the eye-rolling, all I can say is give it a listen below.

Give "Little Drummer Boy" a listen, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=77_9X8jfzUk

"The Ten Christmas Songs of Steve Pulaski:" Song #3: Daniel Brochu - "Baxter Day"

"The Ten Christmas Songs of Steve Pulaski"

 

Song #3: Daniel Brochu - "Baxter Day" (2000)

Arthur's Perfect Christmas

"Stop whatever you're doing, let me hear you say, 'today is Baxter day!'"

While "The Ten Christmas Songs of Steve Pulaski" has been plastered with unconventional Christmas tunes, "Baxter Day," an original song taken from the TV show Arthur's Christmas special Arthur's Perfect Christmas, is an ode to unconventionality. The song is named after the character Buster Baxter (voiced by Daniel Brochu), who sees his mom hustle and break her back to give him a great Christmas every year. Upset at her constant restlessness and evident dissatisfaction with the holidays, Buster creates "Baxter Day," a day leading up to the holidays that entitles them to just stay in their pajamas, have fun, and lounge around the house all day, not even having to leave the house or get out of bed. It's a day dedicated to him and his mom and reminds us that these kinds of "relaxer days" are what we all need. It also hails from my favorite Christmas special from one of my all-time favorite Television programs.
 

Give "Baxter Day" a listen, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xI_3Am563V4

"The Ten Christmas Songs of Steve Pulaski:" Song #4: Swing Cats - "Rock Santa Rock"

"The Ten Christmas Songs of Steve Pulaski"

Song #4: Swing Cats - "Rock Santa Rock" (2001)

Swing Cats Presents A Rock-a-Billy Christmas

"I'm comin' home for Christmas, so let's go, man, go!"

I was almost going to let "Rock Santa Rock" by the Swing Cats go uncredited, as I did not discover who sung the song until fairly recently. I first heard the song in the 2001 film I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus, during a montage of when young Dustin (Cole and Dylan Sprouse) is attempting to rig traps for Santa Claus on Christmas Eve. The song instantly resonated with me, as it wasn't a conventional Christmas tune and had an uptempo sound to it. The Swing Cats conduct the song in a manner reminiscent of classic fifties and sixties tunes, despite being a fairly recent song, and serves as one of the most fun Christmas songs I know. 

Give "Rock Santa Rock" a listen,  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YHTINBGO5Zk

"The Ten Christmas Songs of Steve Pulaski:" Song #5: The White Coffin Terror - "Silent Night, Deadly Night"

"The Ten Christmas Songs of Steve Pulaski"

 

 Song #5: The White Coffin Terror - "Silent Night, Deadly Night" (2011)

Psychobilly Christmas

"Silent night, deadly night. Everyone's all bloody red tonight!"

Two years ago, I was pleasantly surprised by the horror film Silent Night, which billed itself as a partial remake to the controversial eighties slasher Silent Night, Deadly Night, and how well-done it was for a low-key horror film. One thing I still remember even after two years is the hilarious and insanely catch end credits song from the film, "Silent Night, Deadly Night" by a heavy-metal band called The White Coffin Terror. The song is a raucous and hugely entertaining subversion of the Christmas classic everybody knows, shredding the tranquil and comforting ambiance for something more explosive and along the lines of breakneck heavy metal.

The song works because of the extremities brought forth by the cut-throat lyricism of the song, which includes often graphic visualizations of murder and bloodshed, making this a hilarious offbeat Christmas song I thoroughly love. Any attempt to subvert or completely transform the way a Christmas classic works gets immediate points for me, and The White Coffin Terror turned "Silent Night, Deadly Night" into a terrific example of grim holiday fun.

Give "Silent Night, Deadly Night" a listen, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6B5o9t9-KQk

"The Ten Christmas Songs of Steve Pulaski:" Song #6: Gayla Peevey - "I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas"

"The Ten Christmas Songs of Steve Pulaski"

Song #6: Gayla Peevey - "I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas" (1953)

"I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas" - Single

"Mom says the hippo would eat me up, but then, teacher says the hippo is a vegetarian."

I was working late at the liquor store late on Christmas Eve; it was around 7pm and we still had two more hours to go on what had already been a taxing and absolutely exhausting day. The Christmas vibes were in full swing, with people coming in with Christmas attire on, snow on the ground, and Christmas music blaring over the store's radio, cycling through what seemed to be an equal mesh of tolerable Christmas tunes and insufferable ones. Suddenly, one came on the radio I had never even heard of, and the music-recognition app Shazam informed me it was Gayla Peevey's 1953 novelty tune "I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas." Now this was my kind of Christmas song.

The song is clearly a product of the fifties, from the occasionally-scratchy, sensitive microphone being utilized to the classic instrumentation of the song, which has trumpets blaring at several moments in the song. The song featured a ten-year-old Peevey singing about how the only thing she wants for Christmas is a hippopotamus, to feed, wash, and massage, despite the potential dangers and the overall improbability of living with a hippo, as told by her mother. 

The song perfectly captures the asinine gifts you want when you're young, whether they be the hottest toy on the market that year or, on the other hand, something completely unrealistic or silly. It's when your imagination takes over your rational thinking, and you become entranced with asking for the most ridiculous thing just because you have a free pass. However, "I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas" is made such a wonderful song not just by its themes and its qualities relatable to children with overactive imaginations, but Peevey's unique singing voice, only emphasized and exploited in the best possible way when set to such large and infectious orchestration. 

This is one of the most peculiar Christmas classics in a blue moon, rarely occupying the same breath as other holiday staples, but this one's hilarity and goofiness needs to be more formally recognized and seen as a great addition to the holiday season.

Give "I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas" a listen, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sjwiwcUKK1c

"The Ten Christmas Songs of Steve Pulaski:" Song #7: Joe Pesci - "If It Doesn't Snow on Christmas"

"The Ten Christmas Songs of Steve Pulaski"

 

Song #7: Joe Pesci - "If It Doesn't Snow on Christmas" (1998)

Vincent LaGuardia Gambini Sings Just for You

"Now, they say he's got eight reindeer, for the sleigh he's driving here, but how the fuck's he go if it doesn't snow on Christmas this year?"

I still adore all the strange looks I get from people after all these years when I tell them that Joe Pesci - the same man responsible for playing pivotal roles in Martin Scorsese's mobster films like Casino and Goodfellas - also made two albums, his sophomore effort composed almost entirely of parody songs, novelty tunes, and cover songs. One of my favorite songs off of his second album, titled Vincent LaGuardia Gambini Sings Just for You after his character in My Cousin Vinny, is his Christmas song "If It Doesn't Snow on Christmas," where he vulgarly asks us Santa's alternate method to deliver his presents to all the girls and boys if it doesn't snow on Christmas? It's a reasonable question, even if you don't like the song.

Pesci sings in his nasally, purebread Italian voice, and is even backed up by a few singing children towards the end, whom he hilariously interacts with before the song ends. Pesci suggests alternate methods of transportation for Santa if the weather doesn't provide for snow, like a train or a bus, even remarking how he sent him a "nice long letter" to question his backup plan.

Not only is the song hilarious, repeatedly asking a question that does definitely deserve some sort of yuletide amendment to convention, but to hear such a goofy tune sung by one of the most hardened tough guys film has ever seen is also something to behold. Contrary to what could reasonably be assumed from my explanation, Pesci's Christmas song definitely gets me in the mood for the holidays for questioning a ritually-accepted convention in a way that provides for some festive humor.

Give "If It Doesn't Snow on Christmas" a listen, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hawOAtZcW9o

"The Ten Christmas Songs of Steve Pulaski:" Song #8: Jeff Foxworthy - "Redneck 12 Days of Christmas"

"The Ten Christmas Songs of Steve Pulaski"

 

 Song #8: Jeff Foxworthy - "Redneck 12 Days of Christmas" (1995)

Crank it Up: The Music Album

"Or if you leave cold beer and pickled eggs for Santa Claus."

"What's wrong with that?"

"I didn't say anything's wrong with it; it's hard to beat!"

I'll be the first to admit, if you told me to recite the famous "Twelve Days of Christmas," I would stumble on more than a few. Now, if you told me to recite the "Redneck 12 Days of Christmas," I wouldn't stutter. While I have never been entirely immersed in the proclaimed "redneck" culture, I have, however, been fascinated with one of Jeff Foxworthy's biggest musical hit since the start of his career as a comedian, actor, game show host, and musician ever since I saw the music video for it when I was around five. My father was flipping through channels and settled on Great American Country (GAC), for what he probably assumed was just going to be a minute. We caught the middle of the "Redneck 12 Days of Christmas" music video, and while I could see he just couldn't wait to change the channel, I wanted it left on; I found the concept of parody and homage fascinating at that age (which would later explain my fixation for "Weird Al" Yankovic in my tween years) and Foxworthy's tune captivated me.

The song is just about what you'd expect, especially the music video, which is painted in broadstrokes and heavy on caricaturing popular redneck archetypes. However, there's a pleasant corniness with the material in how far it took this particular idea of what a redneck would receive for each of the twelve days of Christmas. Everything from a twelve-pack of Bud Light, to eleven wrasslin' tickets, ten packs of Copenhagen, and nine years probation, it's all here, and Foxworthy sings it in a breathless (literally) and entertaining manner, as he converses with a miniature elf-version of himself (who sounds suspiciously like Larry the Cable Guy).

The song is everything a novelty song is and never fails to excite me whenever I hear it in its ridiculous glory. Don't knock it until you hear it.

Give "Redneck 12 Days of Christmas" a listen, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G4kbdVMCYHI

"The Ten Christmas Songs of Steve Pulaski:" Song #9: Brenda Lee - "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree"

"The Ten Christmas Songs of Steve Pulaski"

  

Song #9: Brenda Lee - "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree" (1958)

Merry Christmas, Brenda Lee

"When you hear voices singing, 'let's be jolly,' deck the halls with boughs of holly!"

Brenda Lee's Christmas staple "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree" is probably the last conventional Christmas tune on "The Ten Christmas Songs of Steve Pulaski," but that shouldn't at all lessen its own impact as a song. Every Christmas I have had that I can recall, this song has been a part of it in some way, whether I was grooving to it in the backseat of my mother's Pontiac as a young child, picking up the pace at work when I heard the song come on the radio, or hearing it on the music channel while putting on my Christmas tree, the swinging sounds of Brenda Lee somehow always managed to find its way into my festivities.

"Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree" is my kind of Christmas classic, similar to José Feliciano's "Feliz Navidad" (number ten on "The Ten Christmas Songs of Steve Pulaski") in that it isn't overplayed like "Jingle Bells" or "Santa Claus is Comin' to Town," but still has a sense of holiday traditionalism, being several decades old from a singer who embodies a classic sense. Not to mention, there's an undeniable level of fun that comes from the idea of embracing the holiday season so much that one's response to it is to "rock around" said Christmas tree. This is an enjoyable, quintessential tune to the season in my book.

Give "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree" a listen, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=is4NQkUN3AI

"The Ten Christmas Songs of Steve Pulaski:" Song #10: José Feliciano - "Feliz Navidad"

"The Ten Christmas Songs of Steve Pulaski"

 

Song #10: José Feliciano - "Feliz Navidad" (1970)

Feliz Navidad

"I wanna wish you a Merry Christmas from the bottom of my heart!"

Steve Pulaski's Foreword to "The Ten Christmas Songs of Steve Pulaski:" As many of you know, I did a massive undertaking during the summer of 2014, where I cataloged the one-hundred songs I know that either shaped me as a person, had an immense personal effect on me, or I felt were underrated and deserved more recognition. With that enormous blog series laid to rest, I decided for the holiday season to resurrect a "sequel" of sorts, with my top ten favorite Christmas songs. These songs aren't necessarily as meaningful to me as the aforementioned one-hundred (which, for the record, you can view each individualized song and a writeup of its impact on me on this very blog), but these tunes get me in the mood for Christmas and strike an emotional chord in me that I always anxiously await to let free. This blog series begins on December 15, 2014 and will conclude on December 24, 2014, leaving you with the potential for a Christmas playlist on the ride to your loved ones' home. Are you ready?

Song #10: José Feliciano - "Feliz Navidad:" I might as well use one of the two conventional Christmas songs to kick off "The Ten Christmas Songs of Steve Pulaski," with the first one being José Feliciano's instantly recognizable "Feliz Navidad." Right off the bat, my first comment is a criticism, which is the song has unremarkable lyrics, especially for "the most wonderful time of the year." However, Feliciano makes us forget how monotonous the song is by combining tremendous orchestration with his enthusiastic vocals to create a song that gets anybody moving a bit quicker and ready to embrace the holidays. Employing fun and effectively-blended Spanglish to create the mood,Feliciano makes this song vibrant and terrifically uptempo, and when the instruments kick it up a notch for Feliciano's trademark chorus, each time I hear it, reminds me why I feel a bit more inspired during this time of the year. As simple and as beautiful as it is, it's easy to forget with the plethora of more famous Christmas classics coming to mind over this one, but rarely has a classic song been sung so well that any other version doesn't receive a fourth of the recognition.

Give "Feliz Navidad" a listen, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PM70hBp2Fjk